


We Are Broken

by BurningPaws



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Canon Era, Dragon Age: Inquisition Spoilers, Dwarf/Human Relationship(s), Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, F/M, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Love, Love Conquers All, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Past Drug Use, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Relationship(s), Resolved Sexual Tension, Romance, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Violence, mental trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-14
Updated: 2015-12-04
Packaged: 2018-05-01 13:48:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5208167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurningPaws/pseuds/BurningPaws
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The effects of the Nightmare Demon in the Fade at Adamant Fortress left their mental wounds for Jaenelle Trevelyan, Cassandra, Dorian and Blackwall. For Jaenelle, the Nightmare Demon’s claws dug particularly deep thanks to the whispers of an old Envy demon who made his way through her mind at Therinfal Redoubt. </p>
<p>Jaenelle learns that opening her heart to another can provide more comfort and strength than shutting people out ever will.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1 - Crestwood

**Author's Note:**

> These first initial chapters will be plotting out where our characters all stand with each other. You will see where relationships are currently standing, and you will get to know our hero, Jaenelle! These first initial chapters will also give context to where we are in the Inquisition's story line. Take note this work is written in Australian style English, some words may be spelled differently.

‘Inquisitor, how did the meeting with Hawke’s contact go?’

Jaenelle sighed and wiped her brow with the back of her right forearm, removing the sweat from a hard days ride. She had just returned from Crestwood after meeting Hawke and Stroud as well as combating a particularly large rift. Leliana had intercepted her as she walked into Skyhold’s main hall with her companions.

‘Geez Red, let Jaenelle catch her breath before we go asking questions.’ Varric said.

‘No, no, its fine.’ Jaenelle shook her head. She turned and looked at her companions Varric, Iron Bull and Dorian, ‘You guys go, clean up and eat, I was planning to report as soon as possible,’ Jaenelle turned back to Leliana, ‘Collect Josephine and Cullen, I will meet you in the War Room in an hour as usual, I’m going to clean up and then I will let you know what I have found out.’ 

Leliana gave a curt nod, ‘Very well, one hour.’

Jaenelle broke away from her companions as they retreated to their respective corners to relax. Dorian up to his quarters no doubt for a scented oil laden bath to remove “the pungent smell of horse faeces and death” which they collected from their travels. Iron Bull most likely high tailed it to the kitchens for food then to the tavern for a beer, the stench of horse shit and death not bothering him like Dorian. How stark opposites they were, Jaenelle often thought. Jaenelle noticed Varric collapse in his favourite high back chair in front of the fire near Skyhold’s main door.

Jaenelle often rode her companions hard when she travelled, often riding from dawn to dusk and stopping briefly for food and rest. They deserved to relax after their travels, therefore she rarely made them come and report with her immediately after their arrival, like Jaenelle always did. Her companions often teased her about her dedication and that reports could wait, but Jaenelle’s sense of dedication and duty sent her reporting to her advisors even if she sloshed through mud, water, snow, rain and additional rifts to get home.

Making her way up the end of the main hall Jaenelle entered the room to her quarters, nodding at the two guards who Cullen insisted posting outside her door at all times. Jaenelle walked into her sanctuary and sighed, shrugging out of her enchanters coat and hanging it up. Cracking her neck she walked into her bathroom where a steaming bath awaited her return. Jaenelle thanked the Maker before cleansing herself.

Half an hour later, Jaenelle immerged feeling somewhat human again. She turned to her floor length mirror and dragged a brush through her shoulder length golden hair. She examined herself in the mirror after, noting how after ten months with the Inquisition, her body had darkened and hardened from weeks out in the country side, riding and fighting. She definitely did not resemble the soft mage from the Circle of Ostwick she was only a year ago. She wondered if anyone from the Circle would recognise her…

Not only had Jaenelle’s body changed but the addition of a new black tattoo in the form of spikes of increasing size surrounded her right eye, marked her as a necromancer. A relatively new skill added to her set, but one that her advisors considered necessary in order to cement her position as a powerful mage. The tattoo was also a symbol of this. Jaenelle quite liked it.

Noticing the length of the shadows that were cast in her room, she knew it was time to dress and meet her advisors.

\----------

Jaenelle entered the War Room ten minutes before their scheduled meet. She strode to the table and picked up a nearby report of Leliana’s that she had left for Jaenelle’s viewing. Leliana was sending scouts to investigate Calpernia, a possible close ally to Corypheus and an important tool to his success.

Chewing on an apple and leaning back on the War table, she read the report when the doors opened. Jaenelle looked up as the leader of her forces Commander Cullen confidently strode in, closing the doors behind him. Jaenelle gave a small smile, Cullen like herself was often early for meeting, detesting tardiness. 

‘Inquisitor.’ Cullen nodded and walked around the table to his usual post.

‘Commander.’ Jaenelle nodded back, and turned around looking across at her Commander.

‘Has everything been stable during my absence?’ 

Cullen nodded, putting a pile of reports on the table in front of him, ‘Templars from all over Thedas still flock to Skyhold after hearing of our alliance, so our forces are growing steadily which is the good thing.’ He paused for a moment, leaning on his knuckles before he proceeded, ‘However our current supply of lyrium may not be enough to support them, and I for one don’t want to see a group of Templars go through withdrawals.’

Jaenelle knew of the commitment Templars made to lyrium when they joined the order, it was their source of power and control over mages, however unlike mages they could not burn it away, therefore it became like a drug, but she never witnessed one go through withdrawals.

‘Can it be dangerous if they withdraw?’ Jaenelle frowned.

Cullen furrowed his brows and shifted his weight around, taking a moment to answer, ‘Yes… Templars can die if the withdrawals are bad enough, and they can be bad. Quite often there are emotional issues, usually aggression, as well as physical issues, quite similar to a terrible infection but not easily relieved apart from giving them lyrium.’ Cullen paused and moistened his lips. ‘As I said, I would not like to see them go through it, it could potentially ruin the relationship we have formed with the Order.’

Jaenelle nodded and took another bit of her apple, ‘Well Commander, I trust your judgement of the Templars above all others, if you believe that our current supply is not enough to maintain them and keep them happy, I’m more than willing to approve the use of our forces and scouts to tap another source.’

Cullen looked taken back momentarily then gave a small, one sided smile, ‘I appreciate that you think that, Inquisitor.’ He said in a soft voice. ‘I will draw up a request and send it to your quarters for you to approve. I appreciate you concern for the Templars, despite your history.’

Jaenelle waved a hand at Cullen, ‘It’s nothing, we were fortunate at Ostwick, because we were such a small Circle, we knew our Templars well, none of them did wrong by me, I still hold Templars in high standard’.

Cullen merely smiled but said no more about the topic. ‘How did Crestwood fair?’

Jaenelle sighed and lifted herself up onto the War table, sitting on the edge, half turned facing him, ‘Good, we got what we came for in relation to the Wardens, I’ll elaborate more when Leliana and Josephine get here, but there was a particularly large rift under the lake that dominates Crestwood. During the course of us closing it we unearthed a particularly dirty secret of the town. The town’s mayor flooded the old Crestwood during the last Blight, it wasn’t merely an accident all those people died.’ Jaenelle’s shoulder drooped and she shook her head. Cullen tightened the grip on his sword. Jaenelle pulled out the letter the mayor wrote and tossed it across the table to Cullen who quickly read it.

‘All those people . . . he betrayed their trust. He insists in his letter than he was preventing the spread of the Blight, but what of those who were innocently attending to the sick and wounded.’ Jaenelle voice tightened and she balled her hands into fists.

‘He needs to be bought in for justice.’ Cullen growled.

Jaenelle nodded and looked over to him, ‘I was hoping you would agree with me, I don’t know if Leliana and Josephine would think it being a good use of resources to find him. I was going to ask you if you mind finding him, I cannot let a man like that go unchecked and without justice.’

‘I respect your need for justice over this.’ Cullen said looking into her eyes. Jaenelle smiled. Clearing his throat, Cullen continued, ‘I will send a group of troops post our meeting.’

Jaenelle opened her mouth to thank him but the doors to the War Room opened, Leliana and Josephine walking in. Jaenelle slipped off the table and stood so Josephine could stop and peck her on the cheek, welcoming her home.

‘Now Inquisitor, tell us of the information the rogue Warden, Stroud has to share with the Inquisition.’ Leliana started their meeting.

Over the next hour and a half Jaenelle related the story of the Wardens that Stroud told herself and Hawke. How the Calling; the warning Wardens hear in anticipation of an Archdemon has made them believe that they are all going to die and that they must all make one more desperate attempt to end all the future Blights. How Shroud believes this Calling is false, somehow created by Corypheus to disable the Wardens and use them in his plan to become a God. Jaenelle continued to inform them of Hawke and Stroud’s plan to regroup at the Western Approach as they believe that the Wardens have grouped at their old fortress there to start the ritual.

‘When do you plan to leave, Inquisitor?’ Leliana asked knowing Jaenelle would not refuse the chance to assist Hawke and Stroud.

Jaenelle played with one of the pieces they used on the map to symbolise a position they obtained, pondering her next move. ‘I have hoping you could send Scout Harding within the next three days so I could leave in a week, is that possible?’

Leliana bowed her head, her face disappearing in her cowl, ‘I will inform her and the scouts this instance if there is nothing further to discuss.’

Jaenelle looked around at her advisors in a silent question for any more things that could be discussed. They were silent. Jaenelle put the little piece she was playing with down at the appropriate spot on the map, ‘Very well, we will end the meeting for tonight. I leave for the Western Approach in a week. Josie, if you could take note to prepare supplies for my departure and Cullen if you would prepare a group of forces that will be willing to set up in the Western Approach after it is secured I would appreciate it. I plan to scout the area myself after the issues with the Wardens is complete’.

Jaenelle’s advisors all nodded their heads in respect and bided her goodnight, as it was now close to the twenty second bell and she had been awake since dawn, travelling back to Skyhold. Ending the meeting, Jaenelle left the War Room and took solace in her quarters, mind on the Inquisition’s next move.


	2. The Western Approach

The Western Approach is a lifeless, sandy void. The wildlife were hostile and the native inhabitants had a strange aura around them as they preferred the company of their Gods and prayer rather than human contact. Those whom the company contacted said minimal and just looked at Jaenelle with blank, unseeing expressions when she announced to them why they were here and how they offered safety under the Inquisition against Corypheus. 

‘I don’t think they have any stinking idea who Corypheus is.’ Bull muttered under his breath. Jaenelle took their blank expressions as consent to roam the Approach.

In the two days since entering the Western Approach, the company has scouted the southern region whilst making their way to the western regions, where Scout Harding reported they should find the old Warden Fortress, as well as Hawke and Stroud. In their two days they discovered new quarries to assist in their upkeep of new regions they found, as well as numerous new resources which Bull insisted would make fantastic upgrades to their armour. In the past day Jaenelle sent off a message to Cullen via Leliana’s scouts informing him of a camp area discovered in the southern region which would be beneficial for the troops to hold. The company stayed at the site that night, as Cassandra noted that she could see the Warden’s fortress only half a day’s walk in the distance when she climbed one of the ridges around the area. 

Jaenelle adjusted the dark red scarf she had wrapped around her head to prevent sunburn, as well as preventing sand getting into her ears and mouth then stretched her legs out in front of her, getting ready for the day. Jaenelle and her companions, Cassandra, Iron Bull and Dorian were spread around a group of logs in the dawn light finishing up breakfast before making their way to the Warden Fortress.

‘Argh!’ Dorian made a disgusted noise. Jaenelle looked across the campsite and smirked to herself as Dorian raked his hands through his hair causing sand to fly out of it.

‘All of this sand, really? Is it necessary? How does one maintain appearances when living in such a place, no wonder it’s abandoned!’ He huffed, standing and shaking more sand out of his tight leather attire, then lifting each shoe and pouring sand out with a growl.

‘I told you that loose robes would be more appropriate, Dorian. Not only for the sand but also the heat.’ Jaenelle tutted.

Dorian turned to Jaenelle, still brushing the sand out of his attire, ‘Really my dear, and look like one of those poor, religious hermits that we met when we first got here?’ Jaenelle snorted at Dorian bluntness. ‘I think not, besides one of us here needs to look the part of the Inquisition. What if we run across the actual knowledgeable folks who live in this region? What would they think if we looked like homeless, desert dwellers? No hopes of gaining allies if we look like we have none.’ Dorian sniffed, now pulling a comb out and doing his hair.

‘How are your goods doing in this heat with all that leather by the way?’ Bull raised an eyebrow at Dorian as he straightened his own loose pants and slung his axe over his back.

‘I’m leaving this conversation.’ Cassandra stood, picking up her broadsword and walked away from camp. Jaenelle smirked at Cassandra’s discomfort at discussions about anything personal. One thing she had quickly picked up upon getting to know the female Seeker better was that personal matters and relationships were strictly out of bounds. Now that Jaenelle thought about it, she didn’t even know if Cassandra had slept with anyone. It was a matter often bought up among the company when out on mission to kill time and grow closer. Cassandra was not one to divulge.

‘I’ll have you know that they are holding up just fine, Master Bull. My jewels have taken a lot more heat and sweat than this and still performed one hundred percent, a little leather doesn’t bother them.’ Dorian smirked grabbing his mages staff and slinging his small knapsack over his shoulder.

Bull raised his eyebrows at Dorian then let out a roar of laugh and slapped Dorian on the shoulder good naturedly, ‘I should hope so, ‘vint.’ 

Jaenelle laughed along with Bull and collected her belongings as well as her staff, taking their que to start moving towards the fortress. As Bull and Dorian dawdled packing up the last of their belongings Jaenelle made her way over to Cassandra who was standing at the top of the pass where the campsite was located on. She was looking out towards the fortress in the distance with her arms crossed.

‘What do you think we will expect to find there, Inquisitor?’ Cassandra asked not looking at Jaenelle.

Jaenelle rubbed the back of her neck, under her scarf and looked towards the fortress. ‘I really don’t know what to expect, honestly. I’m not that well versed on Wardens and how easily they could be persuaded into doing something harmful, so your guess would be better than mine.’ Jaenelle glanced over at the Seeker who looked stoic with her face wrapped in the deep blue scarf.

‘I worry that this issue may lead us into trouble. I fear what is happening could be much larger than we expected.’

Jaenelle inhaled the dry, desert air and let it out in a whoosh. She wished she were more qualified for such a role as the Inquisitor and she could give Cassandra a well versed answer. ‘If it is worse than what we expected, all we can do is endure and fight through it, just like Haven.’

Cassandra turned to Jaenelle now, and drank her sight in through her brown eyes for a moment. ‘I wish I had your optimism. I know you question your role as Inquisitor,’ she read Jaenelle’s mind, ‘but this is one of the reasons why you are fit to lead. You see through the darkness, into the light. I respect that, Inquis- … Jaenelle.’ Cassandra gave a rare smile, although a small one.

‘Thank you, Cassandra.’ Jaenelle nodded, appreciating Cassandra’s faith.

‘Are you two women finished gossiping about how gorgeous I am? Can we start moving?’ Dorian piped up behind them and Bull laughed.

Cassandra scoffed and rolled her eyes at Jaenelle who laughed along with them, she then turned away and begun leading the party down the pass towards the Wardens Fortress. 

\----------

‘The Wardens are corrupted and are under control of Corypheus, there are planning to bring an army of demons through the Fade.’ Jaenelle announced leaning on her palms against the War Table, three days after encountering the Wardens at their Western Approach fortress with Hawke and Stroud. 

Jaenelle and her company rode hard back to Skyhold, this time with Hawke and Stroud in tow. The fight had been bloody, with several corrupted Wardens losing their lives as they had already bound themselves to a demon. Jaenelle felt sick at the sight of these, rightly innocent men dying by her magic because they were misled. The images of their deaths plagued her as she rode back to Skyhold, as their faces were devoid of all emotion as they fought. Like puppets held by the demons via strings.

‘I don’t understand, who lead the Wardens to this fate?’ Cullen protested, shaking his head at the shock of such a statement by Jaenelle. 

‘How is this even possible, what happened? Where are the others?’ Josephine cried after Cullen, her eyes wide and shocked.

She had to admit, it was a fairly dramatic sight. Rain poured over Skyhold and Jaenelle broke away from the company deciding to ride throughout the last night, changing horses’ midway to get back quickly; all thoughts of scouting the Western Approach thrown away. The main aim now getting back to Skyhold quick enough to start planning an assault on Adamant Fortress to prevent the creation of a demon army. The others would get back to Skyhold within the next day or two depending on the weather.

Jaenelle was covered in mud from her feet to her torso, smaller droplets caked her face. Her golden hair was plastered to her face with rain and more mud. The robes she wore at the Western Approach were discarded last night and now all Jaenelle wore were her soft leather riding pants, her buckled up soft leather corset and her riding boots; attire usually reserved for travelling as they weren’t heavy and kept her cool. They weren’t however designed to be worn when riding through the rain and mud at night. Now Jaenelle shivered as she spoke, but she was just glad that she made it back to Skyhold quickly.

‘Livius Erimond, a Venatori magister leads them.’ Jaenelle announced to her advisors who stood watching her silently. Jaenelle continued to recall what happened at the Western Approach and what Corypheus planned to do according to Livius.

‘Oh Maker’s breath!’ Jaenelle shuddered, losing her ability to stop shivering, her teeth chattering after she finished her recount. 

Her advisors rushed forward, Josephine grabbing Jaenelle’s shaking hands. ‘You are freezing, Jaenelle, you push yourself too far sometimes.’ 

Jaenelle grasped her advisors hand tightly and smiled tightly over chattering teeth, ‘For the Inquisition though, right?’ Josephine smiled back through kind eyes.

‘I am going to send some of the maids up to your quarters to run you a bath and warm your room up then I’m going to start writing up letters to our allies asking them for their assistance in attacking Adamant, agreed?’

_Bless Josie._ Jaenelle thought, unable to speak through the chattering teeth, rather she just gave a thumbs up and Josephine swept away with Leliana who squeezed Jaenelle’s shoulder as she walked past and whispered a ‘thank you’.

Before she could move to the War Room doors, a large warm coat surrounded Jaenelle’s shoulders, covering her down to her feet. ‘Can’t very well have you freezing before you even get to that bath.’ Cullen said, stepping in front of her and rubbing his hands up and down Jaenelle’s arms, over his jacket to encourage blood flow.

Jaenelle inhaled deeply as the warmth spread through her skin from Cullen’s jacket which was extremely toasty due to him wearing it all the time. As she Jaenelle breathed in she smelt the familiar scent of horses and polishing oil that often surrounded the Commander. She smiled gratefully up at him, ‘Thank you, Cullen, I appreciate this.’ She said through chattering teeth. 

Cullen awkwardly stopped for a moment his hands pausing on Jaenelle’s arms, then he cleared his throat and continued rubbing her arms, ‘You’re welcome.’ He then reached down and clasped Jaenelle’s hands in his own.

_Dear Maker, they’re warm._ Jaenelle closed her eyes and sighed grasped Cullen’s comforting, warm hands. Her shivering started to settled down.

‘Maker’s breath, you’re so cold.’ Cullen exclaimed cupping Jaenelle’s small mages hands into his own warriors hands. He stepped closer to her and began rubbing her hands.

Jaenelle felt herself blushing as the warmth started coming back to her and the shivering stopped. She noticed callouses plagued the Commander’s hands causing his hands to feel rough despite how softly he rubbed her hands. She realised she had never been this close to the Commander of her forces and the sudden intimacy causes her to chew on her bottom lip and stay awkwardly silent.

‘There,’ Cullen stood back and let Jaenelle’s hands go. Jaenelle clenched her hands missing the warmth of his. He then place his hands on her shoulders and leant down, giving her face a calculating look. ‘The shivering looks like it’s stopped for now, you will do well with a bath and sleep I think. We will discuss our next moves in the morning.’ He went on before Jaenelle opened her mouth to protest. ‘Besides, we need to know what our allies say before we start planning attack, so you have the night to rest. We all appreciate that you rode through the night to get here, and just for that we are now at least one day ahead, but there is no point pushing yourself further, you need to rest.’ It almost sounded like he was lecturing her, Jaenelle thought.

‘Now, let me escort you to your chamber, Inquisitor.’ Cullen walked next to Jaenelle silently, through Josephine’s office which was empty. Jaenelle pulled Cullen’s jacket around her tighter as they stepped into the main hall, the cold wind blowing through the open double doors.

‘This is where I leave you.’ Cullen turned to Jaenelle as they came to door leading to her chamber. Jaenelle smiled to him and began removing his jacket. ‘No.’ Cullen stopped her and reached out pulling his jacket back up Jaenelle’s shoulder.

‘But I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without this jacket on.’ Jaenelle chuckled, ‘Don’t start now, it might get weird.’

Cullen chuckled as well and rubbed the back of his neck, ‘Well you can give it back to me tomorrow; I am quite attached to it. But for now take it with you.’ Jaenelle looked down awkwardly and pulled it tighter around her, blushing slightly at his kindness. She was not used to this type of treatment from her Commander. The closest she ever got to him was when he picked her up and out of the snow after Haven.

‘Er, ah, I mean take it with you to keep you warm, that’s all.’ Cullen quickly added then took a step back, running a hand through his now messy blonde hair. ‘Um, yes, well good night, Inquisitor.’ He turned from Jaenelle and strode down the main hall.

‘Goodnight, Commander.’ Jaenelle whispered to herself, watching him depart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you are enjoying where this is leading. I know I am.


	3. Chapter 3 - Part 1: Adamant Fortress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be aware that this chapter and the next have sensitive content including graphic depictions of death as well as homophobic references.

 

‘Are all our allies in place?’ Jaenelle asked her advisors across the wooden table they had set up as base of operations outside of Adamant Fortress.

A week after Jaenelle rode into Skyhold in the middle of the night the Inquisition had managed to rally their forces into a cohesive unit. Trebuchets, Cullen’s favourite war machine lined the outside of Adamant Fortress at a distance of two hundred yards. In front of them squads of soldiers awaited for a strike with ladders and ropes, ready to scale the fortresses walls. Finally, a large siege engine sat at the gates, looking like a bull awaiting its red flag.

‘I believe we are ready, Inquisitor.’ Cullen replied for the advisors. ‘Everyone is in place in front of the Fortress and Leliana has her scouts positioned at a distance around the area to keep an eye out for any runaways.’

‘We could be in no better position to strike, Inquisitor.’ Leliana added, standing with her hands clasp behind her back.

‘Right.’ Jaenelle reached up and ran a gloved hand through her golden hair.

‘I have some of our more passive allies set up in the next valley to receive any wounded. They will provided food, water and medical assistance.’ Josephine added as Jaenelle watched the Fortress, chewing on her lip anxiously.

Jaenelle turned back to her advisors who watched her, awaiting her next order. The order which will potentially end hundreds of lives and possibly her own if they had not prepared enough. She felt the words catch in her throat and all she could do was open then close her mouth silently. Jaenelle closed her eyes and shook her head, trying to clear it.

‘Give the signal, Commander.’

Cullen nodded his head then thumped his right fist over his heart, ‘Good luck, Inquisitor.’ He said before striding off to address the troops and begin the attack.

‘Good luck, Inquisitor.’ Josephine came over to Jaenelle and kissed her cheek. She and Leliana were retreating to the ally camp so Josephine could oversee the operations and so Leliana could keep tabs of scout reports that came to her. Jaenelle insisted Leliana kept her operations there too so if news came that the demons had over taken the Inquisition, the others could fall back to safety.

Jaenelle turned to Adamant and examined the Fortresses high walls which already had demons patrolling on its battlements along with enemy soldiers. Rage demons growled at the top, flames dribbling from their mouths as they paced the battlements. Sloth and Terror demons also made an appearance hissing and spitting at the army on their doorstep.

‘They do strike fear up your soul, do they not?’ Dorian stepped up next to Jaenelle, along with Cassandra and Blackwall.

Jaenelle just nodded, examining the demons. She then looked around at her own army which was beginning to muster at Commander Cullen’s call. It was only moments before it all started. The men looked eager and ready to begin, not doubt ready to see vengeance for those lost at Haven. The wounds were still fresh.

Jaenelle took the moment to straighten her red leather enchanter’s coat as well as making sure she had a full range of healing potions at their disposal. She prayed to the Maker that they would not need them.

‘What is our plan, Inquisitor?’ Cassandra asked, her eyes on the fortress, taking in the sight.

‘We enter after the main door has been opened then make our way to the centre of the fortress. From the scouting that Hawke has done, he believes that Clarel will be in the main courtyard with Livius, the magister. We go directly there whilst the rest of the army subdues the enemy in the Fortress. We must get to Clarel before they complete the final ritual.’ Jaenelle explained after planning out their own attack extensively.

Blackwall glanced over at Jaenelle while he adjusted his shield, ‘and what of Hawke and Stroud?’

‘Oh yes, I do hope they will be joining us. Hawke is not bad on the eyes, will make this day much more enjoyable.’ Dorian commented, smiling to himself while Cassandra scolded him for being inappropriate.

Jaenelle smirked to herself, enjoying the humour that Dorian bought. ‘They are entering the Fortress via the walls with the troops, they will meet us outside the entrance to the main courtyard.’

Suddenly a war cry filled the air and Jaenelle looked to one of the trebuchets which sat near the main doors. There, Commander Cullen stood with the hood of the jacket that Jaenelle wore a week ago, over his head. A lion with its mouth open in roar framing his face. Jaenelle’s hairs stood on end in excitement as Cullen raised his sword and cried, ‘For Haven!’

In rush of movement, the Inquisition’s army surged forward towards the main gate.

‘It has begun.’ Jaenelle whispered as Dorian threw a barrier over the group as they too surged forward.

\----------

_‘Clarel! If you complete that ritual, you are doing exactly what Erimond wants!’_

_…_

_‘Corypheus, but he’s dead…’_

_…_

_‘Bring it through...’_

_…_

_‘I trained half of you myself, do not make me kill you to stop this madness!’_

_…_

_‘I would not stand against you if I did not_ know _you were being misused.’_

_…_

_‘My master thought you might come here, Inquisitor! He sent me this to welcome you!’_

_…_

_‘Clarel, see through this madness!’_

_…_

_‘Help the Inquisitor!’_

_…_

_‘It’s the Archdemon from Haven!’_

_…_

_‘Clarel! Run!’_

_…_

_‘Run! The bridge is falling apart!’_

\----------

Jaenelle opened her eyes to the smell of rotten eggs and dirt. Coughing, she rolled onto her back and looked up… at Cassandra laying on the floor above her.

‘What the…’ Jaenelle scrambled to her feet and looked around. Her breath caught in her throat as the green light which touched everything around them became recognisable.

‘Where on earth are we?’ Dorian stumbled to his feet and looked over at Jaenelle with the most bewildered expression she has ever seen him wear.

For a moment, Jaenelle and Dorian shared a moment on shock, Jaenelle’s mouth moving in empty words. She didn’t not want to utter what she was thinking, in fear that saying it would make it true.

‘By the Maker. We’re in the Fade.’ Jaenelle jumped in surprise as Cassandra appeared beside her, her eyes wide open, drinking in the sight around her. She had a large, bloody gash on her forehead. Jaenelle furrowed her eyebrows in concern as Cassandra confirmed what she was thinking moments before.

‘The Fade?’ Hawke asked. Jaenelle looked over her shoulder as Hawke was helping Stroud to his feet along with Blackwall. Stroud appeared to be extremely shaken, his eyes slightly glazed over and a neutral expression cast over his face. Jaenelle suspected the events at Adamant and Clarel’s violent death had hit Stroud.

‘I think Cassandra’s right.’ Jaenelle chewed on her lip hard, feeling blood seep into her mouth as she told them what she did. ‘When we fell off the bridge, we were falling to our death, I- I remember reaching out my left hand,’ she looked at the Anchor on her hand, ‘then we ended up here.’

Silence fell over the group as they looked at Jaenelle with wide eyes. Jaenelle swallowed her guilt and looked down at her leather boots, shuffling them around in the green, glowing speckles of dirt. She had probably condemned her friends to death by using the Anchor and she felt the weight of it on her conscience.

She felt a hand lay on her shoulder, and she looked up at Dorian’s kind, laughing eyes. He turned her towards him and placed his hands softly on her cheeks looking into her silver eyes. ‘You saved us from death, my dear. Yes, we are in the Fade, but we are still alive. Because of you. Do not feel guilt over this situation, the only thing we can do is move forward, is it not?’ He then kissed her softly on the lips and stepped back from her, waiting expectantly.

Jaenelle felt the pressure in her chest ease as a swell of gratitude took over for what Dorian said. She looked around to the others who gave small smiles and nodded along with him. ‘So what now, Inquisitor?’ Blackwall raised an eyebrow.

Turning her silver eyes to the green sky, Jaenelle spied the great Rift at the top of a large staircase, some distance away. ‘There,’ she pointed, ‘that is our target, we must have fallen from there. If I used the Anchor to get us here, there I should be able to use it to get us back.’

So the company began their journey to the Rift, a journey they had taken many times before, but those times they didn’t plan to travel through it.

Demons crawled around in their natural environment, haunting each other and possessively guarding items they had found in the Fade, like a dog guarding a bone. Jaenelle ground her teeth when she saw they were guarding items of humans that had died violently. The demons were preventing them from being at peace as they kept item and owner separated. The demons appeared to be relishing the sorrowful moans of the dead.

Jaenelle didn’t dare to interfere at first, scared to interrupt the relative peace the demons had, as they did not attack them when they walked past, instead they just watched. But when a particular mewling cry caught Jaenelle’s ears she stiffened and stopped.

‘What is it, Inquisitor?’ Cassandra asked, turning around and looking back at Jaenelle whose eyes were wide in terror.

Cassandra stepped forward to grab Jaenelle’s arm but Jaenelle flung her away and began running to the sound of the pitiful mewling. Cassandra called to the others and they perused Jaenelle.

‘Inquisitor! Inquisitor!’ Cassandra cried to Jaenelle as she noticed she was running towards a particularly large Despair demon who was hunched over a bunch of rags. ‘Jaenelle, by the Maker, what is wrong with you!’

Jaenelle stopped for a moment and threw a look over her shoulder at Cassandra, ‘That Despair Demon has a baby, and Maker damn me, but I will not walk by and leave it separated from its mother for all eternity!’

Before anyone could protest, Jaenelle threw herself into the Despair demon who then began its defence. The rest of the company soon joined which attracted more demons and wraiths to the commotion.

Jaenelle fought fiercely and with a last flourish of her staff the Despair demon exploded into flame and died with a scream which stung the ears. Stepping forward, Jaenelle knelt down in front of the pile of rags, keenly aware of everyone watching her. Pulling back the hood, Jaenelle stifled a sob at the sight of the baby which was burnt from head to toe. The child had its flesh burnt off one side of its face, revealing blackened bone, the other was as red as the lyrium that surrounded them. It has no eyes, obviously boiled away in whatever explosion it died in. Jaenelle wasn’t silly enough to think the baby was alive, it was surely dead.

Wrapping the bundle back up, which was now quiet, Jaenelle stood and turned to face the others who watched her with concern. ‘Come, I think I knew where the mother is.’ She said quietly, walking through them as they made passage and back the way they came.

Jaenelle noted a burning house ten minutes’ walk back and found it odd that it be there. Now she understood. Quietly she walked to the house and kicked over the front door which was alight, but the flames did not lick Jaenelle’s clothing. This was but a nightmare, a terrible memory of the mother who lost her child and had its soul taken away by a Despair Demon before they could be begin their everlasting rest.

Walking in, Jaenelle made her way straight to the bedroom where she could feel the mother’s presence. Stepping through the threshold, she swallowed a gasp. The mother’s charred body lay on the skeleton of the bed, her arms positioned in such a fashion that it looked like she was supposed to be clutching something precious. Protecting something. Jaenelle looked down at the bundle in her hands, it would fit perfectly. Stepping forward, Jaenelle slipped the bundle in the woman’s charred arms.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 will be released shortly. I need to edit but mostly I wanted to leave a cliffhanger :D


	4. Chapter 4 Part 2 - Adamant Fortress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter follows from the minute the last finished. There is also homophobic references in this chapter. You have been warned.

Dorian watched from over Jaenelle’s short shoulder as she lay her precious cargo in the woman’s arms and then step back. For a moment nothing happened, and Dorian shared a look with Hawke who he stood next to. Then in blinding flash the woman and her child burst into a golden light and a contented sigh was heard by the company.

Dorian strained to see through the golden light, but he swear he saw the figure of a woman with a child in her arms waving to the group, a peaceful smile on her lips. Then it all disappeared and they were standing back in the Fade. The house and its contents all gone.

Everyone began swinging their heads around at the sudden disappearance of the house. Only Jaenelle stood still and unmoving.

‘Bloody hell.’ Dorian muttered to himself then let out the breath he was holding.

‘The Inquisitor really is something else, is she not?’ Stroud stepped up next to Dorian, Hawke and Blackwall, obviously having recovered from the events before entering the Fade.

‘She really is.’ Dorian agreed, watching Jaenelle as Cassandra stepped up behind her and gently placed a friendly hand on her shoulder, whispering something in her ear that Dorian could not make out. He saw Jaenelle jump at Cassandra’s touch then nod before she turned and faced himself and the other three men.

‘Come, we’ve already wasted too much time.’ Jaenelle began walking off.

‘Do you think she is okay? Why did she do that?’ Blackwall gruffly asked Dorian, not yet following Jaenelle as she and Cassandra strode off.

Dorian sighed and turned to the Warden, placing a hand on his shoulder and looking him in the eye. ‘I have a feeling she needed to do that, my good man, for reasons we are yet to know. But if there is one thing I have come to learn about Jaenelle, it is this; she is a woman who never does anything without reason. Therefore, if that is what she chose to do, then it is good enough for me.’ Dorian gave Blackwall, Hawke and Stroud a wink then jogged off to follow Jaenelle and Cassandra.

\----------

Dorian could not believe that Divine Justinia had lead them through the Fade. If the whole experience of the Fade wasn’t just so ridiculous, Dorian probably would not have believed that it had happened. But here they were, sitting on a rock some distance away as Jaenelle and Divine Justina were speaking quietly up ahead. They were now outside the building which should lead them through to the staircase that lead to the Rift and home.

Cassandra had tears running down her face and was intensely watching Jaenelle and Justinia. She was overwhelmed with grief and sorrow when the Divine appeared to them. Justinia spoke to all them, answering any questions they had, proving that she was here to help them. She even shed light on what happened to Jaenelle all those months ago at the Conclave; how Jaenelle was only a senior mage from the Circle of Ostwick, and had attended the Conclave out of duty, representing her Circle. She was no one important at the time, but of course, being Jaenelle she was a hero in the making and heard commotion in the main chamber after the first mass was held; she was the last to leave, therefore only she heard it. She rushed back in to check if Divine Justinia was okay, and there was Corypheus and it all began. Justinia saved Jaenelle from the Fade, sacrificing herself to push Jaenelle back through the Rift because she believed in her.

‘Utter madness.’ Dorian whispered to himself, running two fingers over his moustache. He diverted his attention to Cassandra who was on another rock a coupe feet away. ‘Okay, love?’

Quickly running a sleeve over her eyes, Cassandra sniffed hard, trying to compose herself before she looked over at Dorian who had an eyebrow raised at her. ‘It is okay to be upset you know, a dear friend and mentor of yours stands in front of you somewhat alive when you believed her dead.’

Letting out a sob, Cassandra dropped her head into her hands, her shoulders silently shaking. Dorian slipped off the rock he was perched on and moved over to the warrior, not sure whether if she would allow him to put an arm around her, or whether she would stick him in the stomach with her broadsword if he touched her. Dorian decided against his better judgement and draped an arm over her shoulders.

Cassandra stiffened under his touch and lifted her red face and looked at him. ‘I just feel like I failed her. I was her Right Hand, it should have been I who put myself in between her and Corypheus. I bought shame to myself and I shame Justinia for putting her faith in someone like me. I should have died, not her!’

Surprised at her emotion, Dorian reacted the only way he knew best, to be blunt. He pulled a silk handkerchief from up his sleeve and wiped Cassandra’s wet eyes, ‘Now look at you, _now_ you bring shame to yourself.’ Cassandra looked taken back and Dorian smiled kindly in response. ‘You shame yourself by breaking that warrior bitch demeanour that we all love you for, and that my dear, is the only time you have shamed yourself. You were not present at the Conclave, that is not your fault, how could you act when you were so far away? And at the Divine’s orders nevertheless.’ He continued to mop up Cassandra’s face then whipped out another kohl pencil and fixed up her dark make up around her eyes. ‘Am I right?’ He asked, leaning back from her after he finished up.

Cassandra who now looked like her old self, apart from the red face gave a small smile, ‘Why do you carry a kohl pencil with you, Dorian?’

‘Oh my dear, you hardly know me at all!’ Dorian huffed and stood up, looking over at Jaenelle who was approaching them, her face much more serene than a couple hours ago.

‘Cassandra, the Divine would like to speak to you.’ She smiled at Cassandra whose face visibly paled.

‘At once.’ Cassandra launched herself from her spot on the rock and marched towards the Divine.

Blackwall now walked over to meet Dorian and Jaenelle who stood watching Cassandra silently. ‘When are we going to leave, Inquisitor? Hawke, Stroud and I are eager to see what happened at Adamant in our absence.’

Jaenelle nodded over to Cassandra and the Divine talking. ‘As soon as they are finished we will depart, Blackwall.’

Nodding Blackwall started to walk back to Hawke and Stroud but stopped and placed a hand on Jaenelle’s forearm, ‘Are you okay, Inquisitor?’

Dorian noticed Jaenelle’s eyes shine with gratitude and she placed her hand on top of his. ‘Yes, thank you, Blackwall.’

Ten minutes later, Cassandra re-joined their group quietly, looking much more peaceful than before. Jaenelle took the lead wordlessly and the Dorian followed along with the rest of them.

They crept through a flooded passage and Jaenelle pointed out the exit at the end, ‘I can see some stairs and a green glow; that must be it!’ She increased her pace, sloshing through the grey water. Dorian felt himself grimacing as water slopped around in his boots, wetting his socks; he hated wet socks.

Dorian saw Jaenelle disappear through the exit before all of them and they all ran to meet her. Skidding to a stop at the top of the stairs, Dorian could not help but let out a gasp. Jaenelle was a couple steps down in front of them gaping up at the massive Nightmare and Nightmare Demon who stood between them and their goal.

Thick green saliva dripped from the Nightmare’s fangs onto the ground, and it’s hundreds of eyes hungrily searched them. Dorian felt a tickling in the back of his mind, slightly like someone was flicking through the pages of a book but in his head. He shook his head trying to clear it. He noticed that Jaenelle, Blackwall and Cassandra too had a strange expression also on their faces, trying to shake loose something that had attached itself to their minds. The Nightmare Demon who commanded the Nightmare let out a deep cackle. ‘One moment…one moment, is all it takes for the Nightmare to search your minds and know your fears…’

Dorian felt his stomach clench as he realised that weird fluttering in his head was that animals mind inside his own; he felt sick. He looked down at Jaenelle who flourished her staff, ‘I will not let you use our fears against us, Demon!’

The Nightmare Demon let out another cackle, holding his skeleton like torso in such humour. He looked back down at Jaenelle with black, shining eyes. ‘Oh but my dear, your fears are the juiciest of them all! And with the information the Envy Demon you met not so long ago has provided me, I know what haunts you most of all.’ Dorian saw Jaenelle shrink back from the demon, fear clouding her eyes. ‘I will use your fears against you to disable you while my pet feasts on your flesh, petty human!’ The Nightmare Demon then held up his own staff the top of it holding a human skull instead of a precious jewel to channel magic. Dorian felt his throat tighten and his hand grip his staff involuntarily, awaiting the fight. ‘Feast on them, Nightmare!’

Dorian closed his eyes and felt himself crouch in fear as the creature lunged forward, but then no attack came. He opened his eyes and there was Divine Justinia in all her glowing glory, floating above them. Jaenelle looked just as shocked as he, stumbling back into his arms which he used to steadied her.

‘Inquisitor, tell Leliana, that I’m sorry. I failed you, too.’ Then in a blinding flash she lunged towards the beast and they were all thrown in an explosion.

Dorian let out an ‘Oof!’ as Cassandra and Jaenelle fell into him in the blast. Grimacing he pushed himself and the girls up.

‘By the Maker…is it gone?’ Hawke asked jumping to his feet, brandishing his broadsword again quickly, guarding the rest as they rose.

‘I...I think so’ Jaenelle rose unsteadily to her feet and took a few cautious steps forward. The silence gave her hope that it was dead along with its master and she could see no signs of its presence anymore. She let out a sigh, taking a couple more steps forward, she looked up to the Rift which lazily shone on top of the staircase. She turned back to the group, ‘I think we’re safe.’

Dorian felt relief flood him as he watched her sigh in exhaustion then smiled lazily at him. A shadow then descended over her and in his panic he screamed, ‘Jaenelle! Watch out!’

In those brief moments as the Nightmare Demon’s shadow fell over her did he watch Jaenelle spin around and drop her staff as the demon reached out and grasped her by the neck, raising her up to meet his skeleton like face and razor sharp teeth.

‘No!’ Cassandra shrieked, scrambling down the stairs with Blackwall, swords in hands.

Before Dorian could cast the barrier a deep, deadly voice shattered inside his mind, ‘Silence!’ he felt himself frozen by a wave of the Nightmare Demon’s hand. Jaenelle was still held by her neck in front of him, limp, then Dorian saw the Demon’s eyes flash green and his mouth began moving.

‘Dorian Pavus.’ The Nightmare Demon’s sickly deep voice sung in his head. Frozen, Dorian’s eyes flicked around him in fear but the demon was still standing feet in front of him, hand around Jaenelle’s neck, whispering. ‘Yes, it is I who speak to you. Would I not be called a Nightmare Demon if I did not have a trick or two up my sleeve?’ He laughed in Dorian’s head. ‘First son of the house Pavus of Qarinus in the Tevinter Imperium. Oh how great you could have been, if you didn’t like to suck cock. That’s what you do like, is that not right? Men’s cocks over women’s cunts?’ Dorian felt anger flare in his mind and the Nightmare Demon tutted him. ‘What a disappointment you are to your family. Your father looks at you with disgust, he feels his skin crawl every time he thinks about you, let alone looks at you, and your mother… oh my. Oh did you believe that she accepted you? That she accepted you for being…what’s the thing you like the call yourself? A homosexual?’ Dorian felt tears silently run down his face as the Nightmare demon cackled with such condescending humour. ‘No, no, _my dear_ , she thinks you are disgusting. She wishes that she never gave birth to such an abomination. The thought of your mouth wrapped around another man’s pulsing cock makes her puke and run knives across her wrists. She tried to kill herself after you told them, did you know that?’ More tears dripped down Dorian’s frozen face. ‘You are an abomination of the Gods, an outsider, a _freak_. Never forget that Dorian Pavus.’

Unable to move, Dorian felt his mind scream with self-hate and terror. How could the Demon know such things? In the extended silence that the Nightmare Demon left in his mind, Dorian relived the past, telling his parents that he was attracted to men, trying to picture his mother’s face in his mind. Was she that disappointed? He remembered seeing the sorrow in her eyes. Maybe it was true. . .

Dorian felt himself collapse to the ground; he was freed from the Demon’s grasp. He never felt heavier though.

‘Let us fight! It appears to be wounded!’ Hawke cried, running forward with such power. Stroud ran by his side. Dorian wondered if they had be affected. He took a moment to look over at Jaenelle and Cassandra. Jaenelle lay in a ball in the middle of the courtyard. Cassandra had just pulled herself to her feet, tears staining her face. Yes, she too had heard the Demon, Dorian decided. He was also surprised to see Blackwall looking grief stricken, grabbing at his hair and pulling whilst on his knees crying, rocking back and forth. Dorian had never seen the hardened Warden look so beaten.

Using his last piece of will, Dorian threw himself to his feet and ran over to Jaenelle’s still form. He crouched by her, ‘Jaenelle, Jaenelle my darling? Are you okay?’ he rolled her over and she opened her silver eyes at him.

‘Dorian.’ She whispered.

‘Yes, darling. You need to get up, it is very nearly dead, and we need to get through that Rift.’

The next few minutes were a blur to Dorian as the Demon died with a haunting laugh instead of a cry. Then its pet rose for one last piece of the company. Stroud stayed behind with valour, pushing the crew to the staircase and commanding them to go. Dorian did not have to be told twice. He ran behind Cassandra with Blackwall bringing up the rear. He half dragged Jaenelle by her forearm to the top where she reopened the Rift and they returned from the Fade.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are you liking this so far? I promise Cullen will make an appearance in the next chapter, but these last chapters were essential.


	5. Chapter 5 - The Aftermath of Adamant

The moment the company fell back through the Rift, the sound of war hit their ears. Jaenelle groaned loudly as she fell badly on her right arm. She looked up from where she lay, through her golden hair that had been thrown over her face; the final battle appeared to be taking place surrounding this Rift. Inquisition forces and enemy forces locked in battle.

‘The Inquisitor lives!’ One of the Inquisition’s shoulders cried, raising his sword. The demons screamed louder in response. The soldier then let out a gurgling cry as a Terror demon thrust a razor sharp digit through his chest. Jaenelle watched it all from where she lay.

‘Our forces look weakened, they will not last long!’ Cassandra cried out as she lay next to Jaenelle. Jaenelle turned and looked the Seeker in the eyes. She too looked internally wounded.

‘Enough.’ Jaenelle flung herself on her back below the Rift and thrust her left hand up, summoning all the power she held in the Anchor to close it. Demons cried and screamed behind her. Jaenelle gritted her teeth trying to keep a grip on the Rift, closing it in one go. Green light flooded her vision and all she could see was the Rift.

‘They’re being dragged back into the Rift!’ Dorian informed Jaenelle. ‘Keep going, Jaenelle!’

Jaenelle squeezed her eyes shut as pain started raking through her body in tremors, her life force and energy being drained by the strain. Although it was the wounds from the mental trauma that occurred not long ago that brought tears to her eyes as she replayed the visions the Nightmare Demon showed her behind her eyelids.

Pushing through her distress, she cracked open her eyes for a moment and saw the Rift was nearly sealed. With a scream, Jaenelle forced the last of her mana and energy into her hand as she closed her left fist over the Anchor. Before she let forth the energy she had stored to release for the last push, she could have sworn she heard her name being called somewhere in the distance. But it was too late and Jaenelle felt like she was in a tunnel, destined for one purpose, to close the Rift and prevent further death. Jaenelle retched open her hand against the force of her magic and half a second later the thunderous roar of the Rift closing sounded over her head before she passed out.

\----------

Jaenelle lay asleep inside a large tent a few feet away from the makeshift War Table the advisors had set up after the victory of Adamant. Cullen once again plucked Jaenelle off the ground and carried her to a cot where she was attended to by healers.

He too was present at the last stand in Adamant’s main courtyard. At the time, Cullen would have judged that Inquisition forces and the demons were fifty/fifty matched. No one seemed to get a foothold over the other and Cullen was concerned that the men and women were beginning to weaken under the relenting force of the demons. That was until Jaenelle and her team came tumbling out of the Rift which was the centrepiece of the fight.

Cullen remembered stopping mid fight, disbelief ringing in his mind. For a moment he thought she was dead and he began pushing through the crowd of demons and men toward her in his distress. The she lifted her head and Cullen skidded to a stop. He looked to his left, following her line of sight. She watched one of the Inquisitions soldiers sing her praise and then die. That was when she flung into her back and crackling energy filled the air as she began closing the Rift, with a great cost.

Cullen witnessed as demons grappled onto bits of stone and lips on the ground, trying to resist Jaenelle’s pull as she attempted to close it in one go. He saw Dorian kneeling next to Jaenelle, his frantic eyes watching what unfolded before him, and giving support to Jaenelle. Cullen felt himself begin running toward Jaenelle and the Rift to give her support, anything. This was turning into one woman against a demon horde. He was ten steps from being by her side before she screamed and his old Templar senses told him that she was drawing on the last of her mana to close the Rift. An act which could potentially kill her. ‘Jaenelle, no!’ Cullen cried before the thunderous clap of the Rift closing threw him back onto his backside.

‘She has drained herself of all energy and mana.’ Solas explained with his hands clasped behind his back, facing the advisors across the War Table. He saw to Jaenelle after he heard of what she did with the Rift. Cullen bought himself back to the present, trying to put the thoughts of the battle aside.

‘Probably from straining to close that Rift.’ Cullen sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. ‘She should not have taken such a risk.’ He said with concern.

‘Indeed,’ Solas agreed, nodding to Cullen, ‘as Dorian and I know so well, draining your mana as well as energy to critical levels can lead to death.’ The advisors all glanced over at Dorian who was leaning against the entrance of Jaenelle’s tent, sipping on a vial of blue lyrium, restoring his mana. He had a deeply troubled look on his face, his perfectly chiselled eyebrows drawn together in a frown as he stared at nothing. However troubled he was though, he refused to leave Jaenelle’s tent unprotected.

‘Can we not give her blue lyrium? Dorian is taking it, why not Jaenelle?’ Josephine asked turning back to Solas.

‘I agree, stalling isn’t helping her, what if she dies while we talk about what we should do?’ Leliana murmured, her arms partly crossed, one hand resting on her chin.

‘She will not die. If she were going to, she would have done so already.’ Solas shook his head slightly, ‘She is currently regenerating her energy and mana as we speak. Giving her blue lyrium would not help, she still will remain asleep until her energy levels have risen. Until she wakes, I would not consider it, there is no point.’ Solas informed them, then took a step back and gave a small bow to the group. ‘Excuse me.’ He departed and walked over to Cole who was looming over a group of healers and their patients.

The advisors all took collective sigh.

‘Very well,’ Leliana said, tucking her hands behind her back, inside her robes. ‘I will see to our allies and start writing up letters to inform those of interest that we have won this battle. I may as well organise scouting parties to begin the walk back to Skyhold as well.’ She strode away to a group of scouts that were huddled a few feet away, awaiting her presence.

Josephine reached up and tucked a stray bit of hair behind her ear, then snuck a look over her right shoulder which Cullen saw. He followed her line of sight where Blackwall sat on one of the logs surrounding the main campfire, his head resting in his hands. Cullen looked back at Josephine and noticed the concern that flooded her face.

‘Go, Josephine.’ Cullen said softly.

Josephine blushed deeply as she looked back at Cullen, like she was caught in an act. He gave her a kind smile and placed a large hand on her right shoulder. ‘I think he might need some company, don’t you? Even just for a moment before we start organising our trip back to Skyhold.’

Sucking her bottom lip, Josephine looked back over to Blackwall then back at Cullen. For once she was speechless, instead she just nodded and shuffled away over to Blackwall, leaving her slate and pencil behind on the table. Cullen watched as she softly placed a hand on Blackwall’s back, causing him to lift his head and look at her. She sat down next to him and they were lost in conversation.

Cullen knew something more happened in the Fade. The look in Cassandra’s eyes as she tried to report was one which he had never witnessed before. The strong willed Seeker was a stuttering mess who couldn’t be more eager to get away from the commotion after Cullen had carried Jaenelle into the tent. Now she was off attacking a straw dummy with a viciousness that made Cullen reluctant to approach her. Blackwall too couldn’t seem to face anyone after the fight had ended. Instead he plopped himself down in front of the campfire and said not a word to anyone till Josephine went to him.

Cullen looked over at Dorian who seemed the most held together of the group. He was still leaning against Jaenelle’s tent, but this time facing out towards the camp. The empty lyrium bottle sat next to him on the ground. Cullen walked over to the mage who appeared to be lost in his thoughts. Cullen was not overly acquainted with the mage who he knew was from Tevinter although he knew Jaenelle trusted him with her life often and obviously by the way the mage protected Jaenelle in her tent, he trusted her deeply too.

‘Dorian.’ Cullen nodded his head to him as he walked over. ‘Are you well?’

Dorian let out a bark of a chuckle which caused Cullen to appear taken back. ‘Oh yes, fantastic, Commander. I have just walked through the Fade and saw atrocities that no man or woman should witness. I faced a Nightmare Demon and had my darkest thoughts thrown in my face and then watched a man sacrifice himself so I and the others could live.’ He rattled on sarcastically not looking Cullen in the eye. He then paused and dropped his head with a sigh.

‘Sorry, I…I didn’t mean…’ Cullen stuttered.

‘Oh don’t worry.’ Dorian flicked his hand at Cullen then turned to face him, a frown upon his tanned face. ‘I know you’re not the best conversationalist so I will let you off with that. But just to be polite, I will answer like any true gentlemen. Yes, I’m fine thank you, Commander.’

Sighing, Cullen rubbed his stubbly cheek, ‘Sorry, Dorian. I didn’t know what else to say.’

Dorian gave a tight smile. ‘That’s okay Commander, now why don’t you ask the question you really came here for.’

 _Bit cold, even for Dorian._ Cullen thought about his icy response.

Cullen stepped closer to Jaenelle’s tent and lent against one of the support beams like Dorian, looking inside at Jaenelle’s resting form. He noticed she was breathing steadily, just like being in a comfortable slumber. ‘What happened in there, Dorian?’

‘You mean my answer before wasn’t enough?’ Dorian asked tightly.

‘Look,’ Cullen turned and looked at Dorian, his amber eyes determined but he didn’t raise his voice, ‘now, I mean no offense Dorian, but Cassandra, Blackwall and yourself all look traumatised since returning from the Fade and I’m assuming Jaenelle went through the same experience. I just want to know what happened.’

Dorian stayed silent for the moment, watching Cullen through narrow eyes. ‘You already know about the Nightmare demon, Cassandra gave a brief report, what more do you want to know? What colour underclothes I’m wearing?’

Cullen sighed, ‘Dorian, I’m not trying to start an argument…’ They lapsed into silence.

‘The Nightmare Demon used our deepest fears and terrors against us.’ Dorian said quietly. Cullen looked over at the Tevinter who now looked down at his blue leather boots, kicking around a small rock. ‘It… read our minds and spoke to us, but somehow its voice crept into our soul. Bringing up old wounds that had scarred up years ago. It just yanked them open to weaken us…’

‘That’s terrible.’

‘Mhmm…’ Dorian murmured whilst nodding and chewing his lips, becoming lost in his thoughts again.

Cullen looked back inside Jaenelle’s tent at her sleeping form, ‘Was Jaenelle affected too?’

‘The demon had her by the neck in front of him and told her that the Envy demon she met at Therinfal had revealed deeper, older wounds which it planned to use against her. So I would say so, yes.’ He too now looked in at Jaenelle’s sleeping form with kind, compassionate eyes.

‘Did Jaenelle say what it said to her?’ Cullen asked in a low voice.

‘No, Commander,’ Cullen turned to look at Dorian who lent down and picked up his empty lyrium vial, then stood and looked back at him ‘and I doubt Jaenelle is going to start screaming it from the rooftops when she wakes though, so I recommend this if you want to have any hope of making her feel better; do not ask her what she saw. The last thing you want to do is talk about it. Rather, just be there for her, like a friend I guess you could say.’ Dorian began walking off towards the mess tent. ‘Stand watch for me will you, Commander? I’m going to have something to eat. Friends do that for each other.’ Dorian called over his shoulder.

Sighing, Cullen watched the mage disappear into the mess tent, he then turned and looked back into Jaenelle’s tent where she lay sleeping quietly. He stood there for some five minutes, his mind running over the horror of having a Nightmare Demon invade your mind. He looked at the now small, fragile looking girl in the cot in front of him and wondered how she powered on. Cullen knew she was no Seeker, Templar, Warden or high strung Tevinter mage, she was just a regular Circle mage, who got thrown into an absolute mess. Yet look how far she has come.

As he stood and considered Jaenelle he felt the ‘pitter patter’ of rain slapping against his armour. Cullen looked up at the darkening sky and felt the cold begin to seep down from the mountains. He stepped inside the tent and gave a shiver, pulling his coat tighter around him. Again, he looked back over at Jaenelle’s sleeping form. He ran his eyes over the pale skin on her face that was dotted here and there with freckles and took in the tattoo that circled her right eye. He gave a small smile to himself, he had to admit that she did look more formidable with that tattoo, he liked it.

Cullen then felt another shiver run through him as a gust of wind came whipping through the tent, blowing the fur collar of his coat. He watched Jaenelle’s golden hair flutter around her face as the icy wind too hit her, but she didn’t stir.

 _She must be cold._ Cullen thought whilst stepping forward, closer to Jaenelle’s cot. Before he knew it he reached out and ran the back of his hand softly down her left cheek which felt cool to the touch. He looked down at her body and noticed she was only covered by a thin, grey blanket that Iron Bull had provided, although it didn’t give much warmth.

Shrugging out of his thick, warm jacket, once more Cullen covered Jaenelle in it, keeping her warm. He crouched next to her sleeping form and took special care to tuck the fur under her chin, so it didn’t tickle her nose. He left his hand lingered near her cheek once he was done, softly stroking it whilst drinking in the sight of her smooth face.

 _She is beautiful._ He thought to himself with a small smile, then reached up and brushed her golden hair away from her face, after the wind messed it up. He took care to tuck it behind each of her ears which he noticed were pierced with a little rock in each in the shape of a cat.

 _Ah yes, she has a fondness for cats._ Cullen recalled fondly, remembering as he saw her one day tending to a stray bunch of kittens that were found in Skyhold’s stables shortly after their arrival. She tended to them herself in her minimal free time and soon they grew, soon becoming the resident pest control in the castle when they weren’t following Jaenelle around like little puppies.

Cullen continued to stay crouched by Jaenelle, stroking her hair for some minutes, lost in its softness and shine until the sound of someone clearing their throat loudly send a bolt up him. Cullen spun around on his feet and saw Dorian standing at the tent’s entrance, chewing on a thick bit of bread and cheese.

‘Having fun?’ He raised an eyebrow.

‘Ah, um…’ Cullen floundered for a moment, then pointed at Jaenelle, ‘She was cold, so I was making sure she was warm, so I put my jacket on her.’

Dorian gave a small smirk and stepped in, plopping himself down on the cot opposite Jaenelle, finishing the bite he took from his sandwich. ‘Very nice of you, Commander but I’m sure you have other business to attend to, yes?’

Cullen could tell when he was being dismissed and he couldn’t be more eager to leave. ‘Ah yes, of course.’ He gave a tilt of the head to Dorian, his cheeks still flushed with embarrassment. ‘Good day, Dorian.’

‘Good day to you too, Commander.’

Cullen burst out of the tent and marched off to begin organising the trip back to Skyhold, hoping his cheeks would cool down before he spoke to any of his troops.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved writing the end of this! So much so that I now only have 4 hours to sleep before I wake up for work - Whoops! Let me know what you think, I appreciate it :D


	6. Chapter 6 - Skyhold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, I apologise for the long time between chapters but I wrote and re-wrote this chapter several times in order to get it right. This chapter does have a bit of angst in it but is completely necessary so bare with me!

 

When Jaenelle opened her eyes a week after Adamant she saw the wooden ceiling of her bedroom back in Skyhold. For a moment, Jaenelle didn’t move, rather she replayed all that she thought had happened all that time ago, trying to discern whether it was real or just a very long dream. But as Jaenelle recalled every word the Nightmare demon dripped into her ear as he gripped his skeleton like fingers around her neck, and she felt her body shudder in response; she knew it was not a dream. 

Jaenelle reached up and lightly touched her throat where he had gripped her and had hurt her. But Jaenelle wasn’t worried about the fingers wrapped around her throat or the fact that she had been asleep for a week, that wasn’t the most painful part of her experience. Jaenelle closed her eyes and felt a tear slip down her cheek and onto her pillow as she recalled the memories the Nightmare Demon had bought up, the things that haunted her most. The things that she had spent the last three years burying in the back of her mind because they hurt.

‘Her mind stirs, memories remembered but wished forgotten. Why is it not crying? How many weeks has it been? She blames herself for pushing him away. Her fault, her pain.’

Giving a yelp in fright, Jaenelle’s head snapped to the direction of the voice and she sprung into a crouch in the bed out of fright. She felt anxiety bubbling up in her chest as the words uttered brought her right back in the hands of the Nightmare Demon, recalling his own words which were similar but much more cruel and condemning.

‘Cole?’ Jaenelle croaked through a dry throat. She felt her shoulders sag as the young man looked back her with wide, doe eyes. Jaenelle took a moment to put her hands over her face and let out a slow, steady breath, trying to push down the anxiety in her chest before she raised her head and looked back at Cole. ‘Why are you watching me, Cole?’ Jaenelle asked after clearing her throat.

‘Master Solas asked me to watch you, seven days and nights you slept since Adamant. He asked me to let him know if you woke and also let him know if I knew anything that could help.’

Jaenelle looked at the boy, directly into his honest eyes. She was no fool, she knew what Cole was capable of and how he possibly knew what the Nightmare Demon said to Jaenelle those nights ago. Solas asked Cole to share his knowledge with him after she awoke. Jaenelle felt a grimace cloud her face and anxiety clawed its way back up her spine. The thought of the others knowing her past and fears made her sick. It was her secret and her anguish. Them knowing would solve nothing or make it less painful. The very thought of them looking at her with pity already made her feel weak.

‘Cole,’ Jaenelle said steadily, ‘I’m going to ask you as a friend, not to tell Solas or anyone what you have heard me think. Especially what you know of the Nightmare Demon. Is that clear?’

Cole raised his blonde eyebrows in confusion, ‘Not tell them? But if they could stop it hurting, I want to help.’

‘Cole, I think that telling them will hurt me more than not telling them. If you want to help, please don’t.’ She said.

Cole nodded slowly, looking at Jaenelle with a calculating look, ‘Can I tell Master Solas that you are awake?’

Jaenelle gave a curt nod and gritted her teeth, not wishing to see anyone right now, but knowing it was inevitable. ‘Very well.’

Cole was gone in a flash and Jaenelle dropped her shoulders down into the bed and rolled into her back, looking up to the ceiling. She lay there deciding how she was going to respond to Solas’ questioning. She knew he would question and stare at her with his elven prying eyes knowing she held more than what she led on.

She stretched while she thought, loosening her tight muscles from sleeping so long. They felt light and strong after being allowed to restore themselves from her energy expenditure, but Jaenelle herself felt mentally fatigued, weak and stained from the after effects from Adamant. Someone would have sponged her between Adamant and Skyhold, most likely Sera who was always obliging when it came to getting close to Jaenelle, but Jaenelle still felt like she was heavy with the filth of the Fade, but she wasn’t sure it was a stain she could easily get rid of. Nevertheless, Jaenelle slid off the bed and stepped into her cool bathroom, shutting the door firmly behind her, creating more time she could be alone before she faced the masses.

While Jaenelle bathed she heard the door to her quarters open and close. Solas obviously awaited her in her room. Jaenelle sunk lower under the steaming water chewing her lip and looking at the door, anxiety rising. Anxiety was an old friend of Jaenelle’s who used to visit often after the incident three years ago, but throughout the years since, Jaenelle learned to push it away easily, just like her past. Now it reared its ugly head again as once more she was pushed into the deep end.

‘How can I lead them when I feel so weak?’ She whispered to herself, tears running down her wet cheeks then mingling in the bath water.

 

\----------

 

‘Ah there you are.’ Solas said as Jaenelle stepped from the bathroom drying her hair with a towel.

Jaenelle lowered the towel as Solas stepped forward towards her and grabbed her by the shoulders, inspected her face and eyes. He leaned close looking into her silver eyes like he was looking for something deeper. Jaenelle felt slightly unsettled and stepped back.

‘I’m fine, Solas. What happened? Why was I asleep for so long?’ Jaenelle asked while dragging her fingers through her hair trying to untangle the knots which formed from laying on it for too long.

‘Well after your efforts at closing the Rift in one go, it seems that you expended all your energy and mana at once. Therefore your body saw it fit to shut down for a while.’ He replied, noting the slight frown upon Jaenelle’s face, he went on. ‘It is not abnormal, I have heard stories of some mages sleeping for weeks after completing a particularly mana hungry spell.’

Jaenelle nodded, feeling herself relax slightly. In the back of her mind she hoped that she didn’t sleep so long because of the Nightmare Demon’s effect, but so far everything came across normal.

‘When did we get back to Skyhold?’

‘Our group, including your advisors and those with you at Adamant arrived yesterday morning. Currently our army trickles through the mountains back to Skyhold.’

‘Is everyone okay?’ Jaenelle then asked with wide eyes, dreading the answer as she passed out from exhaustion prior to being able to see how her companions and army faired. She feared that they took too long in the Fade.

‘We all made it back, of course some soldiers were lost at Adamant, which I’m sure you will hear about when you consult with Commander Cullen, but all our inner circle is intact. However your companions in the Fade seem to have been wounded the most.’

He noticed Jaenelle’s reaction to that carefully placed comment. Her eyes widened in concern and her posture tightened, ‘Are they okay? What’s wrong?’

Solas gave a small nod, ‘It appears they are okay physically, just mentally traumatised. They say you all met a Nightmare Demon on your way out from the Fade, is this true?’

Jaenelle chewed her lip and turned away from Solas and began straightening her bed sheets. She knew he was fishing for information she was not willing to give. ‘Ahh yes. Yes we did.’ She replied curtly. Silence filled the room as Jaenelle finished making her bed. She turned to Solas after she had nothing left to do. He simply watched her with calculating eyes.

‘And may I inquire into what happened?’ Solas asked slowly.

‘Why don’t you just send Cole back in to find out for you?’ Jaenelle replied tightly, looking Solas back into his deep eyes, challenging him.

‘I see,’ Solas nodded, ‘I apologise Jaenelle, but I was concerned for you. Cassandra briefly explained how the Nightmare Demon singled you out from the others, I had simply hoped to shed light on what happened so we could help you move past this, as we are helping the others.’

Jaenelle looked down at her hands and began picking at her fingernails, suddenly feeling uncomfortable at Solas’ concern for her. ‘Well I’m fine, thank you.’ She said, looking back up at him and flashing a small smile.

‘Very well,’ Solas gave a small bow of the head and began stepped back toward the entrance of her quarters, ‘I have been told to inform you that the council is meeting in the War Room in fifteen minutes for a debrief about Adamant. If you are well enough, I would suggest for you to come. The others are eager to see you.’

 

\----------

 

Jaenelle slipped through the doors of the War Room fifteen minutes later. She did not open it wide enough to cause the charismatic loud creak which usually signalled someone’s admittance. She then closed the doors and leant back against them quietly, inspecting the commotion in the War Room. There she noticed her advisors as well as her inner circle crew, all of who were waiting for her. They all stood surrounding the War table chattering loudly among themselves.

Jaenelle crossed her arms tightly over her chest and watched her friends as they conversed among themselves loudly, ignorant of her presence. It appeared that among them nothing much had changed, even though it felt it Jaenelle that everything had changed within that hour she had been awake since Adamant.

Sera stood with Varric, Josephine and Blackwall, the latter two stood particularly close, Jaenelle noticed. Sera appeared to be telling an animated story which was producing laughs from Josephine and a rare small smile from Blackwall who was always stoic.

Cassandra stood with Leliana and Vivienne chatting whilst pointing at certain areas on the large map that dominated the table, the three intimidating women working as always.

Solas and Cole stood in the corner of the room chatting quietly with each other, Jaenelle guessed they were probably talking about her attitude previously. Jaenelle sighed as she felt a bit of shame crawl up her back as she recalled the way she talked to both Cole and Solas. She decided that she would apologise to them both by the end of the day.

She then turned her attention to Dorian who casually leaned his side against the War Table along with Cullen who was perched on its edge, both of whom were giving Iron Bull their attention. Bull was telling a crudely sexual joke which had Dorian grinning darkly and Cullen smirking to himself. When Bull told the butt of his joke, Dorian roared out laughing, dropping his gentleman air.

Before she could help it, Jaenelle let out a small giggle at Bull’s joke. She looked down, blushing at the crudeness of the joke whilst placing a hand over her mouth to stifle her laugh. As she looked back up, Jaenelle met Cullen’s amber eyes from across the room.

Her small giggle caught his ears and he saw her standing sheepishly at the door listening in on their conversation. For a moment they stared at each other, ignoring the others in room. Cullen noted how small Jaenelle looked as she stood at the threshold of the room. Her presence was one which usually filled a room and demanded notice, but for the second time since meeting her, the first being when she was asleep in the cot at Adamant, Jaenelle looked so small. This time her presence did not seem to extend beyond herself, yet like the time back in Adamant, Cullen felt his eyes draw towards her regardless.

Jaenelle’s silver eyes searched Cullen’s amber eyes from across the room and for the moment she felt a stillness in her, a moment to relax. His kind face did not demand anything from her, rather he gave a small smile, the small scar on his upper lip crinkling up. Jaenelle felt a small tug at her own lips as she looked back at him.

‘Inquisitor!’ Cullen saw Jaenelle’s smile drop then cringe at the sound of her title, yet she straightened up and gave a tight smile back at Cassandra who ran across to her and shockingly gave her a warm embrace.

‘Oh wow, Cassandra, yes I’m here.’ Jaenelle gave her a small hug back, shocked at the Seeker’s tenderness.

Cassandra pulled back from the quick embrace with a small blush, ‘I – We all were worried for you, Inquisitor.’

‘Too right.’ Varric stepped forward and clapped Jaenelle on the side on the arm and gave her a good hearted smile. ‘We’re glad you’re back with us, little one.’

Jaenelle smiled fondly at Varric’s use of her nickname from him, dubbed because her height nearly matched his own. ‘Thanks everyone.’ Jaenelle gave a small smile to everyone around the room.

‘How are you feeling?’ Cullen slid off the War Table and placed his hand upon the hilt of his sword.

‘Oh yes, our Commander was very concerned about you, my dear.’ Dorian stepped forward and gave Cullen an elbow in the ribs. ‘Should have seen him at your bedside everyday on the way back from Adamant. Made sure you were warm enough every evening. Very good man our Commander.’

Jaenelle looked to Cullen in pleasant surprise which made him turn a light shade of red. He then gave Dorian a harsh glare while the Tevinter grinned back at him cheekily. Bull stepped in between the men and clapped Cullen on the shoulder with a laugh.

‘We all helped look after you on the way home, Boss.’

‘I got to wash you!’ Sera sung as she danced forward and gave Jaenelle a peck on the cheek.

Jaenelle let out a croaky laugh as her voice begun to get ever hoarse since she woke, ‘I had a feeling you would have put your hand up for that job.’

‘Couldn’t miss out on getting to see noble lady bits!’ Sera winked.

‘Thank the Maker, they didn’t make me do it, otherwise your bits would have got neglected.’ Dorian walked forward with a smirk and curled his arms around Jaenelle warmly. She felt herself sink into her friend with a smile. He held her for a moment then held her back at arm’s length, searching her silver eyes, ‘Now, how are you feeling?’

Jaenelle paused for a moment and snuck a look at Solas who watched her silently from the back of the room, awaiting her response. She looked back at Dorian and gave a small smile. ‘I feel like I’ve slept for a week straight and I’ve had my bits violated by Sera.’ She replied and the others laughed around her. ‘But seriously, I’m fine, my voice is a bit croaky and I feel a bit weak from laying down so long, but I’m good.’ Jaenelle nodded with a small smile.

Dorian inspected his friend who looked withdrawn around the eyes but otherwise well. Ever since the moment he rolled her over in the Fade after the Nightmare Demon dropped her, did he worry. The empty look in her eyes told him that something happened in her mind. He just didn’t know what. He decided he would talk to her later.

Stepping back, Dorian released Jaenelle and smiled back at her. ‘Glad you’re awake, Jaenelle.’ He said genuinely.

‘Yes, we are all glad you are awake, Inquisitor, but we do have much to discuss about Adamant and the Fade.’ Leliana stepped forward catching Jaenelle’s attention.

Jaenelle looked the spymaster back in her green eyes and nodded, stepping forward to the War Table, ‘Very well.’

Over the next hour the group discussed, from all angles, what had happened at Adamant. Cullen talked about how his men entered the fortress and what he personally found interesting about the siege. Jaenelle and her group then relayed their experience from the beginning, taking some time to recount the details of Clarel and the plan to use the Wardens for Corypheus. Blackwall stepped in for Jaenelle at this time and talked about the fallen Warden, remembering her valour as she sacrificed herself to shield them from the Archdemon dragon.

Cassandra eagerly took over the conversation as they recalled their experience in the Fade. She gushed to Leliana the details of Divine Justinia and how she led them through the demon world. As Cassandra came to detail of Jaenelle reuniting the mother and child, Dorian graciously took over from her, stating he was a much better story teller and that it was his turn. When Dorian lightly brushed over the event, not going into detail, Jaenelle flashed him a grateful smile. He knew the sensitivity of the issue and silently agreed to call it a secret among friends.

When Dorian came to the moments surrounding the Nightmare Demon, Jaenelle found herself beginning to get uncomfortable. The stickiness of the Fade felt like it clung to her skin as Dorian spoke. Jaenelle ran her hands over her face a couple time, letting some measured breaths out to calm herself.

_Dorian was right_ , Jaenelle thought as she stared down at the War Table. _He is a good story teller._

Jaenelle could feel herself being sucked back down into her memories of the Fade as Dorian spoke and she could feel the bony fingers of the Nightmare Demon wrap around her neck once again.

‘Um, I’m sorry.’ Jaenelle cleared her throat and stepped back from the War Table suddenly, breaking Dorian’s chain of speech. Jaenelle shook her head and rubbed her neck, trying to shake the images that formed in her mind. ‘You’re going to have to excuse me, I just…I can’t right now…’ Jaenelle grasped for words but felt her throat tighten as the memories the Nightmare Demon showed her filled her mind.

She turned from her friends and fled.

 


	7. Chapter 7 - Night at Skyhold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. I've been super excited to post this chapter. Take reference to my profile picture and this is how I imagine Jaenelle, it's also the colour of her magic surrounding her.

 

Jaenelle lay clicking her tongue whilst looking up at the darkened roof of her bedroom. She turned her head and looked through her open balcony doors which had light from the moon pouring through. She guessed it was only one hour post-midnight. 

It had been five days since Jaenelle had woken after her long rest and since then she found that sleep was hard to come by. During the first two nights she awoke in a layer of sweat, trembling from the terrors that plagued her during her dreaming hours. Her mind never seemed to settle after her run in with the Nightmare demon. After those first hellish night’s, sleep came sparingly.

During the daylight hours Jaenelle did not bother trying to commit herself to fruitless naps as she found that just like the night, she just lay there staring up at her ceiling whilst her subconscious visited her. Jaenelle worked herself hard, fighting off fatigue through persistent action. She would either be training with Cassandra, tending to the horses with Master Dennet, attending to chores around Skyhold or meeting with her advisors to discuss Inquisition matters.

Her friends had been kind enough not to press the matter of the Fade for now, although she could feel their eyes drilling into the back of her neck after she greeted them in the hall or in the courtyard.

The subject still made Jaenelle highly uncomfortable as the wounds were still raw as ever and it was at times like now when Jaenelle was alone in her quarters did she feel the burn of it. The night had a magic to it whereby images seemed to swim in front of her eyes as plain as they were all those years ago. It was not until exhaustion kicked, that her mind and body both shut down giving her a moment’s peace. Although the sleep was anything but restful thanks to her dreams.

Jaenelle let out a huff and kicked the sheets off her body, then sliding off the bed and stretching. She straightened her white cotton top and blue shorts which had become skewed in the sheets then grabbed her long white, silken gown which was a gift from an admiring Orlesian nobleman who also offered a marriage contract to Jaenelle. She politely refused but kept the gown which she well-liked.

She made her way down the stairs leaving her quarters and lightly opened the wooden door below, trying to be a quiet as possible.

‘Not sleeping again, Inquisitor?’ Reynard, the guard who often did the graveyard shift to watch the entrance of her room said in a low voice to her as she emerged.

Jaenelle gave a smile to him, ‘No, no sleep tonight, Reynard. I’m going to go for a walk to clear my head.’ She replied whilst stepping past him.

He gave her a small smile back and bow of his head ‘Alright, you be careful. I expect you back before the next shift starts at sixth bell.’

She chuckled while walking away, down the hall, ‘No worries, mother.’ She called over her shoulder.

The last five nights, Jaenelle and Reynard had come to an agreement about her nightly walks; he would let her go and say nothing, as long as she returned before anyone asked any questions. Jaenelle appreciated the guard acknowledging that she was a person and not a prisoner and that she could come and go as she pleased. But she appreciated it more that he did not question her need to leave her quarters for hours on end during the dead of night.

Jaenelle walked the main hall with bare feet, liking the feeling of the luxurious red carpet under her toes, also feeling the slightest bit rebellious for not wearing shoes. No doubt Josephine and Leliana would have something to say about her casual nature if they saw her now.

She smiled to herself and turned her head upwards, relishing in the sound of silence which was a rarity in the Skyhold hall. No doubt everyone but the guards on duty were safety snug in their beds asleep by now or at least curled up reading a book at this hour. There was no need for talking, negotiating or yelling. A nice change to the normal climate which filled Skyhold during the daylight hours.

The door to the garden gave a small creak as Jaenelle opened and closed it, then silence filled the void as she padded along the flagstones that surrounding the beautiful garden. The fountain in the centre lightly bubbled, letting out a calming aura to the area. As Jaenelle passed through the garden to the stairs to the battlements, she paused as she heard a small ‘meow’ coming from inside a nearby jasmine bush.

She smiled to herself and stepped closer, then couching.

‘Come on, young one.’ She cooed.

A young, male, ginger cat then came tumbling out of the bush in front of her, his foot getting caught on a vine.

Giggling, Jaenelle reached out for the young cat. ‘Oh Oskar, you silly little boy.’ She whispered, picking him up and kissing his ear.

Oskar was one of the kittens Jaenelle helped raise near the Skyhold barn when she found them not long after entering Skyhold. This particular kitten was different from the rest as the others were tabby coloured, yet he was a brilliant ginger with yellow eyes.

The young cat immediately began purring in contentment as Jaenelle continued her way up to the battlements. She patted him intermittently on the head she walked. Her thoughts were lost in the landscape that surrounded Skyhold. She recalled the events of Haven that led to the Inquisition coming to Skyhold which then led to Commander Cullen announcing Jaenelle as Inquisitor.

‘How far we have come.’ She said to herself.

She placed the cat down as she approached the wooden door to the abandoned tower on the eastern side of Skyhold. She had discovered the little sanctuary three nights ago as she walked at night. The upper most level of the tower had a large hole in its outer wall which presented a grand view of the surrounding mountain range as well as other lands off to the distance. The visual explosion kept Jaenelle’s mind busy, yet calm as she searched the landscape over the last few nights, noting how the environment changed night by night.

Jaenelle entered the tower with the young cat trailing behind her. She was not careful with these doors when she closed them as the sound was lost in the distance between the far tower and Skyhold. She approached the wooden ladder that dominated the tower and grabbed the ginger cat around the waist, then slinging him around her neck before she started to ascend.

When Jaenelle approached the top of the ladder, she was startled when she met a pair of amber eyes across the room. They were furrowed in concentration as they searched her for the moment.

‘Jaenelle?’ Cullen asked.

Jaenelle took a moment to realise that it was her Commander who sat a few feet away from the top of the ladder. Instead of his traditional armour and lion’s head coat he wore black leggings, brown boots and a simple light brown cotton shirt which opened at the neck down to his middle chest.

‘Cullen?’ Jaenelle replied, still standing on the ladder, her head and shoulders only poking through the hole in the floor.

For the moment, they awkwardly stared at each other, trying to discern the next step. Jaenelle felt she was intruding. She went to opened her mouth to signal her departure when the little, ginger cat scrambled off her neck and padded over to Cullen.

‘Oskar, get back here!’ Jaenelle scolding him while scrambling through the ladder hole to grab to little cat.

The cat was too fast for her, so instead it ran up to Cullen who chuckled at it good heartedly, whilst reaching out and picking the small animal up. It began purring as soon as he cradled it in his large arms.

‘Why hello there, Oskar, is it?’ He said smiling down at the cat.

‘Sorry,’ Jaenelle said whilst crawling towards Cullen and the cat who was now purring contently in his arms. ‘I didn’t mean to interrupt you, I didn’t think anyone came up here.’

‘You didn’t interrupt me.’ Cullen said looking up at her. ‘I come up here some nights when I find that I can’t sleep.’

‘Why can’t you sleep?’ Jaenelle asked tilting her head. She then blushed as her forward question. ‘I’m sorry,’ she started crawling back towards the ladder hole, ‘I should go, you came up here to be alone and I –‘

‘No!’ Cullen reached out and grasped Jaenelle’s hand, letting it go just as quickly. She thought she could see him blush in the moonlit darkness. ‘Stay, please. You obviously came to get away too. There is plenty of room for the two of us.’ He said, waving a hand to show the large amount of space.

Jaenelle stopped and considered the offer for a moment whilst looking at her Commander. She then relented with a nod of her head and crawled back forward, past Cullen to sit down on an old dusty pillow two feet away from him.

‘Thank you.’ Jaenelle said as she settled down onto the pillow, pulling her silken gown around her to keep to cool autumn air off her body.

For a few minutes the pair sat in a comfortable silence, their eyes, silver and amber, both searching the mountain ranges which stretched outside the hole in the tower wall.

‘Lovely view, isn’t it?’ Cullen said.

‘It is.’ Jaenelle agreed.

‘Even though I’ve known about this hole for a few months now, I can’t bring myself to repair it. This room just offers the perfect combination of solitude and atmosphere, which you can’t get anywhere else in Skyhold.’ He went on.

Jaenelle nodded and looked over at Cullen with a small curl of her lips, ‘Our little secret then?’

Cullen looked over at Jaenelle with a small, toothy smile, which Jaenelle found quite pleasant. ‘Our little secret.’ He turned his head back and gazed back out the hole.

For the moment, Jaenelle didn’t look back to the landscape, rather her eyes travelled over the man sitting next to her. She felt like she was seeing the man who was her Commander for the first time, as he was no longer just a suit of armour and a sword. She noticed how his usual slicked back hair was now without wax. It was now a lighter shade of blonde which had a slight curl to it, especially around his ears as it had grown a bit long. She admired the way his long legs stretched out in front of him, one foot hanging over the other in a casual posture. Until now she could not have imagined him anything other than straight backed and professional. Jaenelle found that she liked seeing this side of her Commander.

Shifting his shoulders against the wooden wall, Cullen readjusted his position and looked over at Jaenelle with amber eyes, catching hers before she could avert them. She thanked the Maker for the night as her cheeks began to burn.

‘So why are you up here, Jaenelle?’ He said.

Jaenelle turned back to him and gaped for a second, trying to understand his question. ‘Pardon?’

‘Ahhhh…’ Cullen reached up with the hand he was stroking the cat with and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. ‘Ahh I mean, why is it you’re here and not in bed, asleep?’

‘Oh.’ She looked down at her ragged fingernails, picking at them. ‘I couldn’t sleep, that’s all.’ She said.

‘Bad dreams?’

Jaenelle snorted and kept playing with her fingernails. ‘You could say that.’

‘Look Jaenelle, with the Nightmare demon…’ Cullen started and Jaenelle let out a loud sigh, cutting him off, and looked in the other direction. She wrapped her arms around herself and drew her knees in. Adamant was the last thing she wanted to discuss right now, he should know with the way she reacted in the War Room the other day.

Cullen dropped his head and cursed. ‘Sorry, I’m not really that good at this.’ He said.

They lapsed into silence for a few awkward seconds which left Jaenelle’s skin crawling to leave. Cullen spoke, halting her in her movement.

‘When I was in Kinloch Hold a few years ago, I was one of the Knight-Captain Templars assigned to watch over the mages and control the magic during their training. I was present when Uldred, a blood mage, possessed by a demon came and took control of the hold with an army of demons and abominations.’ He paused and chewed on his lip, gathering his thoughts. Jaenelle found herself staring at the man across her intently.

‘After Uldred took control, he killed just about everyone in the hold, or at least the demons under his control did. But for some reason, he left me alive.’ He paused once again, then sighed and ran a hand through his blonde locks. ‘He imprisoned me in magic then tortured me. He made me watch as he killed the remainder of my brother and sister Templars…I watched several of my friends, mentors and my apprentices die in ways too horrible to repeat. After he was through with that he let the demons have me and they too showed me things to this day haunt me as well.’ He said, then turned his soft amber eyes to Jaenelle. ‘What I’m trying to say is, that I don’t expect you to repeat what happened with the Nightmare demon. Up until this point in time, I have never told another soul what happened to me at Kinloch Hold. That was my choice and I close to live with my secret for years. I’m telling you now because I want you to know that you’re not alone. I too have my own demons which come to me at night. But unfortunately, we cannot fight these demons with swords and staffs. We must fight them with our hearts.’ He reached across and placed his large hand, just above Jaenelle’s left breast, over her heart.

Jaenelle looked down at his tanned hand with wide eyes, as he paused over her heart. He withdrew his hand and Jaenelle tracked her eyes up to his, candidly staring into his eyes and he stared back but she did not blush at his sudden intimacy. His choice to reveal his demons with Jaenelle created something between them that crossed several lines of friendship; all for the better.

Silence filled the void between them, but it was not an awkward silence, rather one of understanding and comfort. This would pass as another secret between the pair, the second one in a single night.

‘You must think of me as a pompous, noble cow.’ Jaenelle laughed.

Cullen turned to her with a frown, ‘Why would I think that about you?’

‘I’ve been so busy getting to know everyone around me, those deemed important to the Inquisition, even my companions. I’ve tried so hard to get to know them so they would like me then pledge themselves to the Inquisition’s cause, yet I’ve done nothing to try and get to know those who have already pledged themselves to it and me with only instinct and trust to guide them.’ Jaenelle looked over at Cullen, meeting his warm eyes once again. ‘People like you.’

‘Oh.’ Cullen chuckled and laid his head back against the wooden wall then resumed stroking the ginger cat who still lay nuzzled in his arms. ‘Then I must admit I’m just as guilty. Sometimes all I seem to focus on is work, I go into a bit of tunnel vision and forget that those around me are real people too.’ He admitted with a small frown upon his face. He tilted his head over at Jaenelle with a small smile tickling his lips, which made his scar crinkle up.

‘What’s your favourite colour?’

Surprised at his eagerness to know her, Jaenelle smiled over at him sweetly, ‘A bluey-green, the shade of my magic.’

‘Show me.’ Cullen motioned at her hand, the one without the Anchor on it, then shuffled closer, closing the distance between them to see.

Jaenelle blushed lightly at his encouragement. She knew he was a Templar, or an ex-templar, and generally they weren’t too eager to encourage a mage to express their magic in such a raw form as he now asked her. But the general interest and kindness on his face told Jaenelle that he was not afraid, and that he trusted her to keep control, so she flexed her right hand, opening her palm upwards in front of her, sprouting a small flame of her magic which filled the room with a blue-green glow.

‘Beautiful colour, indeed.’ Cullen agreed with a smile.

Jaenelle extinguished the flame by closing her hand over it. There was no heat emanated from the flame, it was just pure magic. She looked over at Cullen, her eyes sparkling in happiness.

‘What about you, Cullen? What’s your favourite colour?'

‘Red.’ He answered confidently. ‘But not a bright, sunburnt red, I mean a deep, crimson. It’s a comforting yet powerful colour.’ He mused.

Jaenelle watched Cullen as he spoke, the moonlight coming through the hole in the wall dancing off his blonde, dishevelled hair and his deep amber eyes which almost looked gold in the light. She found herself in mild disbelief that she had yet to sit down and talk to this man as equals, as usually business was all that was between them. She felt a stirring in herself, wanting to know more about the man who sat a mere foot away from her now.

‘It sounds like you. Comforting yet powerful.’ The words came out of Jaenelle’s mouth before she could stop them.

But he merely chuckled which made Jaenelle relax. ‘I don’t really see what you mean.’ He said.

‘Well,’ Jaenelle said, ‘you’ve comforted me tonight, more than anyone has since Adamant. I don’t feel as alone as I have felt previously and I really appreciate that.’ She peeked a look at him out of the corner of her eyes. She saw him smiling slightly to himself, she bit her bottom lip as she admired him profile. ‘And well, not that I’ve really seen you in battle, but your reputation proceeds you, I know that you’re a powerful fighter and warrior.’

‘That’s probably one of the nicest things, someone has said to me.’ Cullen said, a flush coming to his cheeks.

‘You’re welcome.’ Jaenelle said, looking down to her hands in her lap, where the Anchor on her left hand glowed in the dark.

‘What’s your favourite food?’ Cullen broke the silence.

‘Sweet biscuits.’ Jaenelle said a smile.

‘I knew you’d be a sweets person.’ Cullen said, grinning back.

Jaenelle chuckled, ‘How’s that?’

Cullen shrugged and looked down at the sleeping cat in his lap, ‘Instinct, I guess.’ He smirked to himself, like he had a private joke.

‘Well, I don’t like just any sweet biscuits.’ Jaenelle sniffed. ‘I don’t like biscuits with anything in them, no chocolate, no fruit or sweet glaze. Just plain, soft, sweet biscuits.’ She said. ‘With a sweet, milky, cup of tea.’ She then added quickly to make a point. Because who wouldn’t eat sweet biscuits without a cup of tea to dip in?

‘I’ll keep that in mind.’

‘I bet you’re a closet, sweets person, aren’t you?’ Jaenelle glanced over at Cullen with a smirk and he grinned.

‘Guilty.’ He admitted.

‘I knew our hard Commander had a soft side. Let me guess, boiled lollies?’

Cullen shook his head.

‘Cake?’

‘Don’t like cake.’

‘Yeah me either…’ Jaenelle trailed off, thinking of more sweets. She narrowed her eyes at Cullen, ‘You’re not like, secretly in love with those weird Orlesian, noble sweets that taste like pickled feet, are you?’

‘Course not!’ Cullen turned to her looking offended.

Jaenelle gave a good natured laugh, ‘Yeah, sorry, that one was a bit left field. Well I give up.’ She said shrugging.

‘Sweet biscuits, but with nothing in them, no chocolate, no fruit or sweet glaze. Just plain, soft, sweet biscuits.’ He repeated what Jaenelle said earlier with a smile.

‘Truly?’ Jaenelle asked and Cullen nodded.

‘Yeah, my mother was one for baking a lot when I was young, biscuits were her speciality, but my brother, sisters and I would rarely get any as she had to sell them for money. But when we did get some, we knew why people paid so much for them.’ He smiled to himself, obviously recalling the soft blonde haired woman who was his mother.

The pair fell into silence once again, the only sound filling the room being the purring of the ginger cat in Cullen lap. Jaenelle watched him as he stoked the cat from head to rump.

‘Do you like cats?’ She asked.

‘I’m more of a dog person.’

‘Oh well, now this new friendship is over.’ Jaenelle sniffed, looking away for a moment then smiling and looking back at Cullen.

Cullen grinned, patting the cat again, ‘I do like cats, they’re great when you just want to sit in silence with the company of someone who wants just the same. But I do like the energy that dogs have.’

‘They slobber.’

‘Cats scratch.’

‘Ahhh!’ Jaenelle cried out, grasping her left hand where the Anchor flickered and burned. She doubled over, pulling her hand to her chest.

‘What’s wrong?’ Cullen pushed Oskar off his lap and crawled closer to Jaenelle, placing a large hand on her shoulder.

Jaenelle looked up at him through strained eyes, ‘It’s nothing, the Anchor just flares sometimes and it feels like someone has put the tip of a new extinguished torch against my palm.’

Cullen’s eyes frown in concern and he once again sat down next to her, but this time there was no space in between them and Jaenelle could feel his warmth radiating off him.

‘Here.’ Cullen said and reached out, snaking his hands into Jaenelle’s chest, gathering her left hand into his and drawing it in front of his chest. Jaenelle winced as he started massaging her palm slowly, but soon then pain started to dissipate. Jaenelle started to feel herself getting lost in the feeling the rough hands of the Templar in beside her, rubbing over her own soft mages hands. Soon Jaenelle found her eyelids becoming heavy as she began to relax at Cullen’s touch.

‘Go to sleep, Jaenelle, I’ll wake you up just before sixth bell so we both don’t get in trouble.’ Cullen turned and whispered in her ear.

‘Thank you, Cullen.’ She sighed, her head dropping on his shoulder before she drifted off into a dreamless slumber.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you guys think of Cullen and Jaenelle's relationship. Was the conversation to out of character? I don't like Cullen as a stuttering idiot, I think he would be a calm, confident man outside of his uniform, I tried to convey that in this chapter.
> 
> Thanks guys!


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